Cereal: Killer

Looking at this picture:

Breakfast or dessert? Honestly, I think it should be neither. This is worse than candy corn, because it’s actually pretending to be something other than pure sugar. It’s typical of breakfast food here. People get a doughnut or a muffin with their sugary, syrupy coffee instead of a healthy fry-up and a beer. It’s insane.

I once had a roommate over here who would eat an entire pack of cinnamon rolls most mornings. He wasn’t interested in my pesto scrambled eggs, blueberry wheat muffins or papaya-mango smoothies (made with fresh fruit I’d bought, cut and cubed).

Early on in our relationship, my husband surprised me one morning with a box of Reese’s Cereal – chocolate and peanut butter-flavoured rice puffs (sort of like ginormous, empty-feeling, sugary Coco Pops). He remembered I was a fan of the Nutrageous bars and wanted to pick up something he thought I’d like. Being a vegan hippie, he poured some into a plastic beer cup with some soy milk and handed it to me. It was delicious, and we went back to sleep (it was around 6am). A few hours later, I rushed to the bathroom where I simultaneously threw up and had the worst stomach upset I would experience until Marks and Spencer would later give me food poisoning from their improperly-cooled miniature cheesecakes.

It seems to be a trend. Cereal is the most important meal of the day, and when you’re too hungover to try, what better way to get your kids to eat it than by cramming it full of sugar and candy?

  • Lucky Charms

No-one buys this for the actual cereal. They buy it for the fun shapes, the marshmallow-y goodness and the somewhat racist Irish stereotype of a mascot. If you can’t trick the kids into eating a healthy breakfast, then scare the shit out of them with this maniacal packaging design. Just look at him. Tell them he’ll be hiding under your bed if they don’t eat every last bit of their organic tofu mungbean breakfast burrito.

  • Cookie Crisp

Honestly, what is the fucking point of this as a cereal? It shouldn’t even BE in the breakfast aisle. Cereal that tastes and looks like cookies? That’ s because it IS cookies! They are tiny little chocolate chip (sorry – double chocolate cookies as per this variety) that you cover in milk. As in, milk and cookies. This is not a fucking breakfast cereal! Aside from sneaking in a way to get your kids to eat more cookies, this isn’t doing much to stave off diabetes. If you feed this to anyone, you should be ashamed. Buy ACTUAL cookies. And stop calling them cookies, you damn Yanks.

  • Trix

These are fruit-flavoured, fruit-shaped puff pieces, but are not actually fruit. In fact, when they first launched this cereal, it was 46% sugar. I have never eaten this cereal. I don’t think anyone has, because they are clearly for kids, according to those snobby little shits. I hate rabbits as much as the next leporiphobic, but there’s no excuse for those manners. Just look how upset it made Carlton.

  • Count Chocula

Any cereal that uses a vampire as a mascot is a win in my book. But I feel somewhat unsettled to know that it’s named after the vampire itself, as if I’m eating a chocolate-covered bloodsucker for breakfast. Sort of like some tacky communion thing. Also, the fact that its sister cereal, Frankenberry, dyed children’s poop pink, might put you off a bit.

When I got back here, I was devastated at the thought of not being able to get hold of my favourite cereal (Crunchy Nut Cornflakes) while I was away. I seriously considered either shoe-horning a box or two into one of my suitcases or ask my dad to post me a box so I could enjoy a box of crumbs at least. But when I went food shopping at Shaw’s I saw it perched on the shelf with a giant “NEW!” banner splayed across the top of the box. Yay! I could hear the faintest sounds of God Save The Queen whispering grandly in my ear to welcome me back with a bit of home in the morning.

Because breakfast is the most important meal of the day. But not as important as CAEK!!!11

Lucky Charms cupcake

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2 thoughts on “Cereal: Killer

  1. I just gave up cereal and have replaced it with oats in the mornings. I do miss it, but I know I am making a much healthier choice.

  2. I’m totally upset that I never knew about the pink shit thing. I would have been making my mom buy the cereal just for the pink poop.

    Also, beer at breakfast? I say you try to bring that tradition to America.

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