The Black Friday That Never Was

Last year, I wasn’t working, so I got to go to the mall for Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year (equivalent to the Boxing Day sales in the UK). I got there at 10am, thinking I was beating the crowds, but the damn place was still packed. At least if I got too claustrophobic (despite the fact that malls are clearly known to have perfect ventilation), I could amuse myself by watching all the angry shoppers trying to nab a parking space.

I had to work today, so I didn’t get to the damn mall until gone 6pm. Take my advice – if you want to get in on any of the good deals, you really have to get there before noon, because it’s not enough that these sales are for one day only (unlike Boxing Day simply being the START of the UK sales), a lot of retailers actually reinstate the original prices as early as 12pm. Last year, H&M had ridiculous discounts (a $50 sweater reduced to $10 AND it buy one get one free with a other similarly-priced knitwear), but cancelled most of their deals at 1pm and the prices went back up. Moreover, most of the stores open as early as 5am. So basically, everybody’s tired, it’s dark and they’re probably still drunk and irritable bowel-y from all the indulgence the evening prior.


They really do call them “doorbuster” deals. As in, it wouldn’t look out of place, if say, a bunch of shoppers busted a door in to get to these insane deals. It’s a funny holiday farce, just like that shit movie I can’t believe I actually like Jingle All The Way! There’s no chance that anybody could actually get hurt!

There is actually a sub-section on Wikipedia regarding the violent incidents that these fucking mental shoppers seem to be getting away with. The worst was a Wal-Mart employee who was actually trampled to death in Long Island, and people didn’t give a shit! They just kept stamping all over his unconscious body, rationalising that they had been waiting too long. Quite sickening, and that’s not the only incident like that at a Black Friday at Walmart. Today, there were reports of a lunatic bitch WITH HER KIDS pepper-spraying her rivals to keep them from getting some Xboxes that were on sale, and a man who was actually SHOT over a TV.

This is why there is a People of Walmart website and not a People of Target or People of Best Buy. The worst of the worst ignorant redneck trash, with no manners, no intelligence, no sense of using the interwebz to shop, no dress sense, no hygiene and no fucking teeth shop at Walmart. It’s disgusting, but that’s another rant entirely. Just know that if you ever shop there, you deserve what’ll inevitably come to you.

Thankfully, I have never set foot in a Walmart. I don’t give a shit if you can safely give birth in one, it is just one of those things that I will never do, like eat live seafood or vajazzle my own mother. There really isn’t a need to ever go into Walmart. Especially not on Black Friday.

The term itself was not, as many believe,  borne out of a reference to the stores “finally being in the black”, credit-wise. They were already in the black. It actually arose from Philadelphia police coining the phrase to describe the insane foot traffic and hassle they had to deal with, and retail staff sympathised with this. There would be jaywalkers, overcrowding and general noise until the one-day-only sales were over. “Black Friday” is not a nice term. It was being used to make fun of shoppers.

You know what I’m going to do, since nothing I got was actually on sale at all today? I’m going to have a nice relaxing weekend and shop the ONLINE sales event – Cyber Monday. Although, quite frankly, I think that every day is cyber.

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