My First Superbowl

My First Superbowl

I don’t know, I was bored.

6:22	How many times are they going to sing the National Anthem?

6:28	Excellent broadcasting skills, Verizon.

6:35	Oh, look, they lined up, one person threw the ball to another between their legs, then one of them fell over and they stopped.

6:36	Here comes a replay and a commentary of them all falling over.

6:36	I wish I had beer. I have a Clementine fizzy drink. Maybe if I eat it with my salt and vinegar crisps I can pretend it’s some fermented Grand Marnier.

6:37	Because that’s really what all the jocks are drinking right now.

6:37	One of them is on the ground, hogging the ball. “You can’t have it!”. Obviously his mum never taught him to share, so now he’s constantly running from his problems. And not getting far before he falls over again.

6:38	Why do they call them “tries”? Is it because they keep failing to move more than a few inches from the middle of the pitch?

6:39	This is all terribly disorganized. It’s like that horribly-directed argument scene from Timecode all over again.

6:39	Oh, a commercial break. Thanks Verizon for not showing the legendary commercials I’m supposed to be enjoying.

6:40	Can’t get to watch the Ferris Bueller car ad spoof, but I bet I’ll get to watch Madonna’s queefing child-snatching muscles.

6:41	A pop-up ad for Bud Light. They’re the sponsor? Yuck. Although, UK football gets Carlsberg…so…

6:42	Camera just cut to Tom Brady’s homewrecking slag. Why do “athletes” only date models? Did they just forget that once they failed to graduate from high school as jocks, they can stop feeling forced to date the brainless cheerleader?

6:43	(funnily enough, if I had grown up in the US, I probably would have been one of those Bjork/Daria/goths that was forced to become a cheerleader by one of my perkier friends)

6:44	“Brady’s under pressure”. For what? He’s sat down!

6:45	I cannot watch this as anything other than a fancier, prancing version of rugby, but in uniforms that, if they got marred, they would have some serious explaining to do to their mothers.

6:46	No beer/cider and no funny superbowl ads make me something something

6:46	This is FOUR hours long?

6:46	There’s supposed to be four quarters, 15 min each, plus an hour of half-time. How does this equal four hours?

6:47	One of the Giants pushed one of the Patriots over. Not surprising, considering the Giants have height on their side and all the Patriots have are those funny-looking felt colonial hats.

6:48	All that ridiculous, farcical, operatic padding and they don’t think of ELBOW PADS?!

6:48	Now for some cover girl shots of some bloke from the Giants. Why? Because he’s worth it.

6:52	Something appears to be happening. No idea what.

6:53	Giants have had the ball for 19 plays, Patriots for 1. Huh? There’s been 20 “play”s?

6:53	Oh look another commercial break.

6:54	Good thing I have Mock The Week on in the background.

6:54	I wonder if Frankie Boyle’s commentary would make it less smug.

6:55	These commentators’ voices makes me feel like I’m watching a trailer for a really big “in a world where” movie.

6:56	I wonder how many people are watching Downton Abbey tonight.

6:56	Show the bloody ads!

6:56	Guess that didn’t work.

7:00	The commentator likes “Tom Brady’s chances”. Must be talking about the half of the cheerleading squad he hasn’t knobbed yet.

7:02	The end of the first quarter. An hour after stuff began.

7:11	At least in the non-commercial breaks I can see them standing around on the field. The service seems to be only available to Verizon customers…

7:12	Drinking game: each time someone says “tight-end”, down a whole beer.

7:14	“This is one of the Giant tight ends”

7:16	Robert Kraft is the owner of the Patriots? The same people who fucked over Cadbury’s? You bastards.

7:16	Go Giants!

7:17	OK they are different people. Never mind.

7:17	Go Giants!!

7:23	Why is it in Indianapolis? I read an article saying that hotel rooms that usually go for $60/night are being flogged for thousands of dollars. Seriously?

7:25	So it’s Giants 9-3 Patriots. Guess that Salem publicity stunt didn’t help. Why oh why didn’t the psychics see it coming?

7:25	Wow. Some of these players are terribly out of shape. One of them looks like he drinks his total blood volume in beer.

7:26	Seriously, does he have another head growing out of there? No-one would get away with this in an actual football match. You know…the ones where they use their feet.

7:26	No beer, but I have some Ben & Jerry’s. They’re based in Vermont, so that’s in-keeping with the New England theme.

7:28	Heh, “double team”

7:28	Is someone going to double-team a tight-end?

7:31	There should be a commentary specially for the sports-n00bs. I bet that would help boost what is clearly a low viewer turnout considering Downton Abbey is on in a bit.

7:32	This reminds me of watching episodes of Star Trek when I was first Trekking out. You hear “technobabble techy wechy nerd-gobble” but it’s clear that it means, “the ship is in trouble”. Keeping an eye on the score makes me feel like I have a clue what’s going on.

7:33	Watching them Forrest Gump around in their ginormous helmets makes me think that those things are more for protection from themselves than from others.

7:35	The Giants look like they have tighter costumes. Wonder if that just makes them look harder? “Ooh look at us, we’re too hard for our clothes”

7:36	I’ll say one thing: there doesn’t seem to be much diving. Perhaps the Ivory Coast national footie team could learn a thing or two. And every single Prem squad.

7:42	The score hasn’t changed. Maybe they’re phoning it in until this portion (try? quarter? inning?) ends.

7:43	This seems to be more wrestling than rugby. Tackles look a bit staged. Like WWE but with slightly fancier costumes.

7:45	“jamming the tight end” is “creating issues for Tom Brady”.

7:47	LOL at their use of the offside rule.

7:48	They keep cutting to glamour shots of all the players. If they did this in the Premiership, there would be merciless mocking…

7:49	I finally heard the word “touchdown”. It really doesn’t mean anything at this point. I wish I had a cup of tea. Can I be bothered to unpack my new kettle? It’s shaped like a giant strawberry.

7:49	So now it’s Giants 9-10 Patriots. The players are drinking out of tiny little cups.

7:51	The third result in a Google search for “Tom Brady” includes the word “boneheaded” in the headline. A Google image search shows absolutely nothing behind the eyes. Is he on drugs or just thick?

7:52	I guess both would cause him to leave his pregnant wife for a ceiling-examiner who claims his ex’s new kid as her own son…

7:55	Just because Tom Brady is a massive knobhead, I truly hope the Giants win.

7:57	Half-time report: White teeth, designer stubble, humourless stop-and-start talk all over the place. Makes a difference from Gary Lineker and Alan Shearer.

7:58	I have some mead leftover from an unattended Halloween picnic. I wonder if that will help numb the boredom?

7:59	Nothing they are saying is making any sense. It’s like they’re just stringing meaningless buzz-sports-phrases together. At least when you watch cricket or football or tennis or rugby for the first time, you can generally understand what’s going on.

8:00	Nope, no Madonna show. Thanks, Verizon.

8:02	If I’m already finding that watching the game is boring, the only thing that could be more boring than that is watching people TALK about the game.

8:03	Tom Brady isn’t the entire damn team. Why are they constantly putting him forward as taking credit for the lot of them?

8:04	This is why there’s such a jock mentality. There’s no “Tom Brady” in “team”.

8:07	And now back to the blank screen of nothing. “Coverage will resume shortly” = “you are missing something interesting and fun”

8:08	“But good thing you have The Inbetweeners on in the background”

8:13	While they’re talking about stuff and things, I’m just posting some Lady Violet macros on Tumblr.

8:16	Apparently Cee-Lo Green is also performing. Wonder if he’ll show us his nipples in a wardrobe malfunction.

8:19	So they can cut back to commentary of the current score and a giant waving flag but no LMFAO or Madonna?

8:28	The Thick of It is funnier than Madonna ever will be.

8:35	Oh, they’re back? I guess that show was short.

8:37	Oh, no…the sea salt has dissolved too much into my Orzo salad. I like to feel the crunch of the crystals as I eat.

8:38	I can’t wait to buy my toothbrush holder next week.

8:39	Giants are losing 9-17, despite their shinier trousers. You’d think the glare would cause confusion to their opponents.

8:43

Not watching the ads or the half-time show with some beer and nachos in hand makes me quite aware that I’m missing the whole experience. Much like my first viewing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show was in fact one of the midnight showings, during which I successfully suppressed several urges to tell the audience members to shut up so I could hear what was being said.

8:45	Pop-up ad showing NBC’s app and proudly announcing it’s available “on your tablet and smartphone”…but then showing a picture of the Apple app store only. So…just NBC on devices that kill Chinese people, then.

8:46	Feel like playing one of those Mock The Week “Guess What The Initials Stand For” games now…NBC = Not Bothered about the Chinese

8:46	Tom Brady = Never Been Charismatic

8:49	Now Broadcasting Crap

8:49	NFL = Necessary Fortunes? Lol

8:55	Tom Brady is rotating his shoulder. The plot thickens.

8:55	Giants 12 – 17 Patriots.

8:56	Everything is so shiny. Did they gussy up the NBC Peacock logo? It looks like they added some extra sheen to it.

8:57	I learned that Mango Habanero Domino’s Dipping Sauce goes quite well mixed into edamame houmous.

8:59	I have to start work at 6am tomorrow, like I do every day (and then finish at 5pm…without a lunch break). This is helping me sleep after a weekend of late nights.

8:59	…trying to take over the world.

9:01	So the stripes of black greasepaint that the players wear under their eyes is supposed to stop any glare from interfering with their ability to see the ball (which they will then fall over and drop anyway), yet cricketers, footballers and tennis players don’t do it.

9:02	Perhaps if they played during the DAY the floodlights wouldn’t be blinding them…?

9:02	It’s not like it’s being played during the week.

9:04	Now they’re showing glamour video shots when comparing two opposing players’ scorecards. One guy is like “I don’t know – should I keep smiling? I’ll keep smiling”, and the other is “I’ve been stoic for too long. If I smile now, I’ll look like a nonce”.

9:05	They all look like a pack of failed ballet dancers. Maybe the greasepaint is to make them look a bit tough?

9:06	Oh dear. One of them just used an asthma inhaler. WTF is he doing playing?

9:06	Maybe if they made them wear less stupid-looking and lighter clothes, it wouldn’t be so fucking taxing on the body.

9:09	Come on, Verizon, at least make it interesting. Pipe in some Depeche Mode during these silences to make fun of us, at least.

9:10	Every five minutes there’s a commercial break. The commercial breaks last around 4-5 minutes. Is that why the whole thing is four hours for one full hour of play and three hours of million-dollar commercials? It’s like a fucking beauty magazine with 80% ads.

9:11	I now use laundry bags instead of laundry baskets. It means I can wash the bags in with the laundry and use the clean bags to carry the clean clothes. I’m so smart. S-M-R-T.

9:13	I wonder what the players do during the commercial break. Do they just stand there and chat to each other like news hosts do at the end of a broadcast?

9:13	Oh wait I can switch camera angles. They’re cuddling.

9:14	I mean huddling.

9:15	One bloke (Ballard) injured one of his knees after he already injured the other one. Commentator: “he has to come out of the game now”. Yeah, thanks for that.

9:15	“11 minutes left”…until what? Another ad I won’t see?

9:16	Giants 15-17 Patriots. They’re catching up…

9:16	If I don’t watch all of this, I will feel like a div at work tomorrow. Everyone and their mum will be talking about it.

9:17	“Like who?” “Farmers”. “Who else?” “Farmer’s mums.”

9:36	It’s finally over?

9:36	Oh wait it’s not.

9:37	Giants 15-17 Patriots. Ooh, deja vu.

9:37	The timer better be counting down backwards deliberately. Please don’t tell me there’s still “twelve” minutes left to go.

9:38	Every two seconds they stop playing. WTF

9:39	New game: every time a commentator mentions “Tom Brady”, impregnate your wife and then leave her to impregnate another bird.

9:40	I see whoever was responsible for the intro/outro title sequences went to the Windows 95 Screensaver School of Graphic Design.

9:41	It all seems so fake. With footie matches, you always always hear the crowd cheering, chanting, booing. Where are the vuvuzelas??

9:46	Oh dear! Now it’s getting interesting. Giants 21-17 Patriots. Why? Because of a touchdown. I’ m finally getting it.

9:46	Also, commentator: STOP FUCKING MENTIONING TOM BRADY EVERY FIVE SECONDS.

9:47	Just over the last minute of the game (i.e. 20 minutes), so I guess they’ve got time to bitch-slap their way to a win.

9:47	Brady has a minute to get a touchdown….Brady banged up that shoulder…seriously MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA

9:48	That pitch is so tiny. They could run back and forth 2,000 times in the “fifty-seven” seconds left in this opera.

9:50	Why aren’t they assigning so much of a king’s crown to anyone on the Giants? Brady Brady Brady…ugh. I guess if anything is going to fill that empty head of his, it’s going to be gas.

9:50	I wonder if I’m going to have to worry about football riots over here?

9:50	I guess it’s just what I’m used to.

9:51	England football team loses = riots

9:51	England football team wins = riots

9:52	This is like that episode of Dexter’s Lab where he invents a time-slowing helmet that stretches 30 seconds to 30 minutes. I wonder if I can use this NFL timescale to get ready for work in the mornings.

9:52	Stop “Buffering”, stupid internet connection.

9:53	This is finally getting interesting, even if no-one so far has said, “the referee is a wanker”

9:53	Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady Tom Brady

9:53

Sphincter

9:54	Patriots = FAIL

9:56	Sorry Gisele, guess no-one prayed hard enough for you and your rich husband. Maybe your designer clothes and million-dollar mansions and barely-earned fortunes and fame and perma-leisure lifestyle will make you feel better. No? Well, fuck off.

9:56	If only betting were legal in this crazy backwards country. I would have made a mint.

9:58	Maybe the hero worship can stop for one year. I guess that’s what you get when you pin your entire hopes on one person.

10:00

What cheap-looking confetti. I guess that’s what they use at Indianapolis weddings.

(it’s just a game….)

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