31 Days of Hallowe’en, Day 26: The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon (2008)

“Can you endure twenty thousand spoonfuls of terror?”

I may be cheating a little on this list, more so now that (after seeing the film) that this short film isn’t actually a complete film, but rather a mock-trailer for a movie that I actually really would like to see (and there is going to be one!).

This ten-minute journey into terror concerns Jack (Paul Clemens) who is suddenly targeted by a pale-faced, perma-grimacing, black-eyed demon who cannot be killed. And our hero tries everything – guns, bazookas, tanks, even insane amounts of simultaneously-deployed explosives. Nothing works. The killer is relentless, can materialise out of nowhere, and doesn’t even blink while he carries out his attacks….with a spoon.

Not even the edge of the spoon (though he does use it to cut some wire) – just the back of it. His aim is simply to murder, but to murder slowly, and he will follow you everywhere you go. With his spoon.

All of this does admittedly sound ridiculous on paper, and there are some properly-guffawable laughs (particularly the fake production company listed as Chaotic Rampage American Pictures), and the flamboyant way in which the murderer deploys his weapon (just imagine a goth dancing). But the trailer does have moments when it takes itself seriously (though it chooses those moments wisely and sparingly). We gradually see  Jack go from mild-mannered, clean-shaven, happily-married detective to bloated, bruised (seriously, some of those bruises are nasty), sweaty, hairy, dishevelled, unemployed, terrorized, lonely mess. So I feel a little bit bad for laughing at the Psycho homage in which we get a close-up of Jack’s hand clutching the shower tile, followed by the murderer spooning it almost out of frame.

I can only judge this as I would judge a trailer, but it is a full ten minutes and can’t quite adhered to the typical 2-2.5-minute preview. Even though it doesn’t give away the ending of the “film” like a complete film would (and not a trailer), it does entertain, there are sequels, and the music is nice and chilling.

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