31 Days of Hallowe’en, Day 3: Zombie Ass: The Toilet of the Dead (2011)

Usually when I watch a film I like to eat something. Not only am I glad I didn’t, but I’m glad I didn’t eat anything right before, because Zombie Ass: The Toilet of the Dead is the most disgusting lump of cinema I’ve ever strained to endure. I *knew* this was going to be weird and a little bit extreme because it’s a Japanese horror, but was ever going to prepare me for the sight of a butt-POV shot of an outhouse hole with a zombie sloshing about in the literal pool of cess below while gurgling lumps of soggy turds and emerging from the top of said outhouse hole to repeatedly grope the poor, unsuspecting aspiring model who was just trying to push one out. File under, “If you’ve ever wondered how a scene depicting sexual assault can be made even more repulsive”.

zombie ass: the toilet of the dead

It’s pretty much a common theme throughout, which is typically played for laughs in an anime, but not to the over-extent it is here. Five seconds of groping establishes that said victim is in peril. Ten seconds is where it drags on a bit. A whole minute of it is just cinematic skid-marks. It’s IRL hentai. Which means yes, there is weird fucking tentacle stuff. But it’s so OTT it’s more uncomfortably semi-ludicrously surreal than it is disturbing. Especially with those less-than-SyFy Original production values.

zombie ass: the toilet of the dead

 

As for the plot, there isn’t much of one. It’s your typical teen cabin-in-the-woods gorefest, with much of the comical splatter (and the non-videogame-sounding music cues) lifted a wee bit from The Evil Dead. Five friends, each of varying stereotypes (hot mean girl, druggie burnout, smart girl, nerd, and cute girl) drive up to the mountains for a camping weekend. Main character Megumi (Arisa Nakamura) is trying to escape her guilt over her younger sister’s recent suicide, but aspiring model Maki (Asana Mamoru) is more concerned with harvesting salmon for parasites to make her thin. Despite being told by nervous, puking nerd Naoi (Danny) that this isn’t the best idea, she refuses to listen and swallows the wrinkly, phallic-shaped thing whole.

zombie ass: the toilet of the dead

That’s when the shit hits the everything. After the aforementioned poo-covered zombie crawls out of his own glory hole, suddenly hordes of fecal-decorated undead emerge from out of nowhere, slowly surrounding our little gang And then they run. Mako’s sudden tummy cramps leave her lagging behind, but judging by the screencap below, it ain’t a food baby in that belly:

zombie ass: the toilet of the dead

The gang prattle around in slow-mo, Scooby Doo style, with only Megumi able to defend herself, because she’s been studying karate in her spare time. Not that it takes much strength to defeat these zombies. Given that they all emerged from the outhouse poop pool, it’s no surprise that they’re so mushy-boned that when Aya (Maya Sugano) exclaims that she “killed [one] with [her] butt”, that when Megumi takes to each one with an axe/pole/foot, there’s projectile brains and blood everywhere. Even an eye goes soaring through the air. Into someone’s mouth.

zombie ass: the toilet of the dead

Things get a little weirder when the group happen upon Ko (Yûki) and her weird-arse doctor father for an interesting Plot Explanation, whereupon the movie continues to degenerate into a string of pebble-dashing set pieces of varying levels of literal shite. And more tentacle weirdness. 

zombie ass: the toilet of the dead

This is billed as comedy, largely in part due to Naoi’s rubber-faced responses to everything (every one of his scenes could be turned into a reaction gif), and buffooning attempts at heroism. Nakamura is sweet and genuine as Mekumi, but everyone else is written and acted as one-dimensional potential fodder for the parasites. Chase scenes are oddly tense and played relatively straight for such a deliberately stupid film. Even the scene in which zombies, running butt-first, chase two of our protagonists through a clearing (I said “relatively”).

At the time of writing, this movie was streaming on Netflix. I’m not sure if they use their own subtitles, but there are some pretty bad delays from when the character starts speaking to when the subtitles appear. Though, unlike Day 1’s Hell (2011), when you pause this movie, the subtitles hop up a smidge so that they’re not obscured by the Netflix player controls.

zombie ass: the toilet of the dead

I’ve seen this movie so you don’t have to. Please…just don’t see it. There’s NO reason to see it. Why would you want to see this?? At 30 minutes I was wondering why I was watching it, and if I could continue. The poster made it look like a flat-out comedy. And the running time (“84 minutes? That’s nothing!”) made me feel I could watch it in no time. Not true; I had to keep stopping and starting for fear I’d throw up all over my new laptop.

If you can handle that early scene in the outhouse without vomiting, you can probably make it through to the rest of the film and roll your eyes when it switches gears from scat-weirdness to tentacle-weirdness. Every character in the movie either has something going in or something coming out of them. Sometimes both. It’s not a movie you’re going to forget watching, but I can’t imagine why you’d want to watch it in the first place. It may not be anything horrifically offensive, and there’s not so much on the gore (because it’s so wildly cartoonish) as there is literal shit and vomit and creepy grope-“gags” on top of that, that it’s more horror for our eyeballs than anything else. Whoever survives this movie – they’ll wash, but they’ll never be clean. And that goes for the characters, too.

 

 

 

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One thought on “31 Days of Hallowe’en, Day 3: Zombie Ass: The Toilet of the Dead (2011)

  1. Pingback: 31 Days of Hallowe’en, Day 4: Bad Milo! (2013) | An Englishwoman in Salem

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