31 Days of Hallowe’en, Day 20: The Loved Ones (2009)

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Wow, this movie was terribly-made. Caricatures rather than characters. Weak plot, including a flimsy B-storyline that goes nowhere. Cheap sets and even cheaper gore. Abysmally clichéd and unsympathetic characters mouth-farting out flat and boring dialogue. One-note acting. Hilariously OTT music that seemed to have scurried away from a low-rent Dario Argento remake.

I don’t care if there are spoilers; this movie’s so bad you’ll thank me for sparing you it.

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This Australian tortue porn follows a young man who’s kidnapped by a scorned crush on Prom Night. Held captive by her and her creepy, paedo dad, our perma-tanned, self-harming surfer dude has knives hammered info his feet, a love note forked into his chest, and a hole drilled in his skull. Despite making a string of implausibly idiotic decisions (such as running up a tree and staying there in full view of his rock-throwing captors), he sort of half-escapes with the kind of adrenaline only a trepanned moron can muster. Like a good boy, he even drives (with his hole-y feet) back home to see his mum rather than, you know, a hospital.

But nobody’s watching for plot or characterisation. People are here for the gore which, along with the the melodramatic acting, makes the whole thing unintentionally funny. But there are moments when the violence is over-glamourised to the point of accidental self-parody, like shots lifted from other generic films.

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The end result is a movie with unlikable characters that feels like a charmless chore to watch at times. You’ve got to wonder how these torturer types think they’re going to get away with it. And I mean the filmmakers, not the psycho teen killer.

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2 thoughts on “31 Days of Hallowe’en, Day 20: The Loved Ones (2009)

  1. Such a crazy movie, but I liked it so very much for that reason. Was fun, freaky, and most of all, surprisingly hilarious in certain spots I didn’t expect to laugh at all in. Good review.

    • Ah, cheers for stopping by! I think maybe sometimes movies just don’t gel with people. I might have made the mistake of expecting something a wee bit different. Usually I really love dark humour awkwardly inserted into uncomfortable moments…!

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