!TITS ASS LEGS!
Totally don’t know about you, but when I Skype with my friends and I’m having a quiet night in, I make sure that I’m fully made-up (even with drawn-on eyebrows), and wearing a push-up bra with a tight tank top skirted uncomfortably over the half-cleavage mark. I’ll also continuously do the bend’n’snap manoeuvre in my skimpy boyshorts while holding a series of poses usually reserved for amateur webcam modelling. I’ll also make sure my posture is boob-sharpeningly perfect at all back-arching times!
All the while I’m trying to recreate Rob Liefeld’s Top 40 spine-bending comic book bitch drawings, the energy used to maintain said SEXINESS will unfortunately divert from my ability to act or emote or just do anything other than half-heartedly bounce my tits on film. And not even in a titillating way.
Luckily, nobody watching this short will give a shit, even when my character decides to make a series of unhelpful, incomplete phone calls to a porn-sounding 911 dispatcher, huffing-orgasming in fear with perennial titball-puffage. Everyone will laugh when I grab a knife to protect myself only to slip and fall in my own living room and actually impale myself on the blade, dying while a twist is revealed! Fuck it, this is terrible. And if you’re after sexy horror bitches, this doesn’t even have that. It’s fucking awful. It’s boring. I am allergic to how bad this is.
An Englishwoman in Salem 