I’ve realised why I enjoy seeing previously washed-up brawn actors make an attempt at acting at pensioner age: it’s the novelty of seeing that their screen presence and line delivery take on a natural gravitas solely because of their age and weathered, wrinkled face. It’s a second-chance luxury not afforded to actresses [perhaps they can play sexy mom aliens/demons who are unable to move their foreheads].
Luckily then, horror ‘comedy’ Don’t Kill It has not one but two female roles: an opening-scene damsel in distress who goes from being saved from a drunk creep by Dolph Lundgren to fucking Lundgren in the next scene and demanding money; and a secondary main character, trained FBI agent Evelyn Pierce (Kristina Klebe) whose first line of defence when a man lies down on her is to limply hold her gun on her ground and allow him to do whatever he wants until Dolph Lundgren comes to the rescue and tells her exactly what to do. If you’re looking for a Bechdel Test example, seek entertainment far elsewhere.
The plot, if you care, is that Jebediah Woodley, a grizzled mash-up of Indiana Jones and Crocodile Dundee but with neither of their charm, comes to a small Southern US town to help rid it of an invisible demon that incites murderous violence in any body it inhabits. The kicker is that, if anyone tries to kill its current human host, it leaps into that person, like a macabre chain letter. It’s a fun device, but there really isn’t any comedy attempted off the back of it other than a couple of somewhat entertaining bloodbaths.
Not a single character is fleshed out, other than a brief scene in which Woodley lectures Pierce on a ridiculous bit of plot coincidence before she inevitably falls under his wooden spell. Cue idiotic decisions and more excuses for boring, gratuitous violence before the entire thing mercifully comes to an end with a cringingly pointless voice-over.
This could have been fun, but when the filmmakers themselves don’t even care (a night-time scene has sunlight blaring through the windows), then why the fuck should I?