31 Days of Hallowe’en 2020, Day 29: Blood Vessel [2020]

Day 29 belongs to the brilliantly-titled Blood Vessel. Dear lord, this was so bad it was good. I have to applaud a movie for taking itself so seriously and playing itself so straight when its vampires look like…that.

Don’t look it up – just go in blind.

Our story lands in the mid-Atlantic seas of WW2, following the motley survivors of a shelling trying to out-bad-act each other in the world’s most forgiving dinghy. These include a British codebreaker, a British nurse with a slowly dissolving Australian accent; an actual Australian; two American cooks, a Russian soldier and a captain, who gets dispatched before he can even get onto the empty floating Nazi ship they’ve stumbled upon.

Only it’s not quite empty – there are a few weirdly sticky dead bodies with marine-coloured goo on them, that look like they’ve been treacled to death, and a creepy little girl who keeps trying to introduce the crew to her as-yet unseen family.

Given its single location and fantastically terrible acting, Blood Vessel takes far too long – almost half its running time – of people pottering about discovering plot set-up devices and delivering wooden character expositions before we actually see any vampire-like activity. And when they do come on screen I just… I’ve… I was just speechless. It’s just so at odds with what the movie was setting up that it feels unintentionally funny and I feel bad but I did laugh. I have no words. You have to see it for yourselves.

Perhaps it’s my fault for expecting something more along the lines of Dead Snow – I had assumed that, because of the setting, that the vampires themselves would be Nazis. But they’re not. So there’s no reason at all for the WW2/Nazi setting, and I don’t think the movie had the kind of budget that would allow for a grander exploration of that time setting.

There’s nothing that stands out in this movie – it’s watchable, but doesn’t deliver anything we haven’t seen before, and in far better hands.

Score: 🎃🎃

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