Right off the bat: The Night Watchmen is the most fun horror film I’ve seen in years. Director Mitchell Altieri has stuffed into it everything you could ask for in this gleeful, nostalgic horrorromp: gore, splatter, humour, clowns, vampires, and an engaging cast with chemistry, all wrapped up in a killer ’80s hair metal/synth soundtrack. There’s even a couple of character arcs to boot.
Don’t switch off after the first five minutes, otherwise you’ll think this is just another Kevin James-type comedy about old, ugly, fat loser security guards, slutty chicks and lame jokes about fat loser security guards and slutty chicks. Wait for the moment when someone’s asked to clean up a dirty toilet bowl: “Do we look like we’re janitor material? We don’t get paid half of what those guys get,” while one of them grimaces at the thought of ‘dirty shit water sloshing around’ as the camera slowly zooms in on chocolate sauce squeezing out of a bitten doughnut. If you’re not wince-laughing along at that point, this movie is not for you.