Things I learnt from watching The Undertaker and His Pals:
- An opening trippy, wavy-visualled montage does not mean you’re getting a surreal film.
- Women look incredibly sexy when being knifed. But to avoid tastelessness, just expose their bra (make sure it’s a push-up; they’ll be lying down)
- Any victim will scream and shriek with uninterrupted rhythm and pitch when being pinned down and literally having their intestines poked by a number of gloved hands.
- Despite spending their day with unengaging corpses, undertakers can be stylish, too.
- There’s always a market for gourmet meat but, as always, the younger the better.
- Grinding a meat grinder is as easy as flipping a needle on a record.
- Beatnik music never gets old.
- Motorcyclists make the most durable serial killers because they always wear a helmet.
- Male can shriek just as good – if not better – than their female counterparts, if only to cause others to drolly utter the line ‘He made quite a noise.’
- T.L.P. Swicegood is a wonderful film director’s name.
- Some statues just had it coming.
- The humble rooftop plus a serial killer’s apparent dyspraxia can save a Final Girl’s life.
- If a movie is bad in most other respects, if the players themselves are having believable, chemistry-ridden fun, then on balance there’s enough enjoyment to have it on in the background of a Hallowe’en party.